At the end of last week’s Gleecap, I was thisclose to popping a hernia and/or giving up Glee for good. However, luckily (or unluckily, in the case of future blood-boilingly asinine episodes) this week’s episode restored my passionate love for this godawful show. What was the solution? Having err’body in the (glee) club gettin tipsy, of couse. And because I’m allergic to using the same format twice, this week I present to you…
GLEE: WINNERS AND LOSERS
Alcohol: the number one reason why this episode worked for me was because being drunk makes 90% of the f’ing ridiculous things that usually happen on this show totally believable. Seriously. This show actually makes MORE sense with alcohol: people acting like irrational dumbasses? Eh, they’re drunk. Insanely high production values and expensive sets? All in their heads. Plot points abandoned halfway through? Well, drunk people forget things a lot. Rachel earnestly singing a song about a fucking headband? Oh, wait, she was sober for that…well, I’ll just pretend she wasn’t.
Figgins returned from Character Banishment (seriously, where was he?) and was in RARE form this week, y’all. I suspect Figgy was imbibing more than a little of the “giggle juice” himself—witness his hot dance moves during “Keydollarsignha’s Tik and also Tok.” What a freaking champion. Fro-yo for everyone!
Realism. Not gonna lie, my first thought upon hearing that it was “Alcohol Awareness Week” was “great, it’s an Afterschool Special a la Bully Week. YAWN.” But you know what? They kind of nailed it. While they did spend a bit too much time glorifying teen drinking and perhaps not enough time reiterating that it is often dangerous and always illegal, they hit the right tone with things like Bieste’s little monologue about responsible drinking and subsequent bust-out laughter at her own seriousness. Not too irresponsible, but also not too serious and sappy. IT’S A MIRACLE.
RACHEL BERRY. OH. MY. GOD. I’m still having a hard time believing how adorable and loveable and hilarious they made their most loathsome character. Drunk Rachel is a person that I would actually want to hang out with: she gives adorable compliments (“That vest is very cute…you are all kinds of awesome”), appreciates Mike Chang (“Have I ever told you how great you are?”), clumsily rolls around on her bed while drinking “Lady Sparkles” wine, and generally does things that TASTE LIKE PINK. (On a side note, I’m pretty sure I yelled that at some point during freshman year of college.) How much more awesome is she when she’s not worried about being awesome?
Montages. Especially those involving tequila. Beauty.
Finn. I still think he’s a sack of boring, which is why his absolutely SPOT ON party commentary, re: Types of Female Drunks, surprised me so much. It was reminiscent of the never-to-be-bested Mean Girls cafeteria cliques scene, and darlings? Any time anything reminds me of Mean Girls, it’s absolutely a good thing.
Kurt who almost ended up on the loser side for inexplicably showing up at the party dressed as a Nazi…and for having to suffer through his gay crush experimenting with girls….and for accusing his dad of homosexuality when he was really just being a concerned parent…but pulls it out in the end for having some of the best, most realistic conversations in the show’s history. His dramatic and thoughtful confrontation with Blaine about homo/bisexuality was great, but obviously what cinched it for me was him telling Rachel that “Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men [she] will date, that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.” Lord help me but I love this little truth-teller.
Rosalita’s Roadhouse. Guys. I want to go to there. Preferably with Bieste, but you know. Speaking of…
BIESTE. No, Will, the reason that you drank the same amount and you’re drunker than she is isn’t because she has a hollow leg, it’s because she’s twice your size and also YOU’RE A TEENAGE GIRL.
Bedazzled Microphones. I’m guessing that Rosalita’s hired the same decorator as Rachel’s dads, and said decorator had like a shitton of sparkly studded microphones that he got on sale and needed to get rid of. I guess they come cheaper in bulk?
Heather mothafuckin Morris, who is better at being Ke$ha than Ke$ha is. For reals.
Autotune, which can apparently now be made to happen live at performances in high school gymnasiums. It’s taking over!
Emma. Hey, Emma, hope this toaster doesn’t bring up embarrassing memories of a certain drunk dial every time you use it. But whatever, she’s still married to John Stamos so that lands her in the winners column every time.
Artie. Few things in Lima, Ohio are cooler than a kid in Raybans and a wheelchair who has the hottest girlfriend in the world and (adorably) runs into walls while hungover.
Honorable mentions: Puck’s glasses; Carole King.
The Law."Legality" definitely got a bad rap this episode, with the word "illegal" only being used in reference to underage drinking ONCE. And seriously, day drinking? During high school? Is that a thing now?
Sue Sylvester. No more excuses. She was just terrible this episode. Pushing Will into a 12-step program was only marginally amusing, pushing that guy down the stairs (twice) even less so, and basically it’s becoming clearer every week that there’s no reason for her to be involved in the glee world without the excuse of the Cheerios. And actually, wait, why is she still at McKinley if cheerleading season is over? Why does the cheerleading coach even have a permanent office? What reason can she possibly have for—GLAARJDSLKF ow my brain hurts. No answers; start drinking instead.
Will Schuester. It was a close call placing him on the losers list—compared to what’s gone down in the last few episodes, he had a pretty good time of it this week. But in the end, his absolutely adorable paper grading (“Smiley faaace!…A-plus, that’s how I roll…I don’t even know who you arrre.”) wasn’t enough to make up for his drunk dial. STOP BEING A TEENAGE GIRL. And while he was kind of charmingly sleazy instead of sleazy sleazy like usual…it’s still sleazy.
GREEN NIGHTGOWN. WHAT WAS THIS I CAN’T EVEN. Lady of the Canyon meets American Girl Doll? Tragic nightgown of Aquaman’s Victorian mistress? Blehgajksdf? Let’s never speak of this again.
Rachel’s Dads. For the love of Liza, why can’t we just meet them already?? I am picturing at least one of them as Nathan Lane in Bird Cage but also I’m not really picturing them at all because right now it’s like Rachel has no parents. (Additionally, they lose this week because Mike Chang drank all of their classy 1800 tequila. Let’s see Puck’s “connections” replace that on a high school allowance).
Finn’s browser history. Don’t even wanna know.
Hangovers. Yo, how were ALL of them STILL hung over on Monday if the party was on a Friday? This must be some bad shit in the Berry liquor cabinet. Like maybe Bacardi H1N1 flavor.
Breadstix. Man, how lame is that place now that we know Rosalita’s Roadhouse exists?
Burt Hummel. Poor guy. Sat all the way through Brokeback and could only discern that “something went down in the tent.”
Continuity. How is it nighttime in Rachel’s bedroom when she calls Blaine, but daytime in the coffee shop when he picks up? Answer: INCEPTION.
Joni Mitchell, who, contrary to Rachel’s belief, probably would not have thrown a party for underage drinkers in order to find songwriting inspiration. I’m guessing she would have stayed home painting and thinking of sad things, but that’s not really Glee’s style.
(Dis)Honorable mentions:Rachel’s Blackout Juice, my coworker who takes everything that happens on Glee very seriously and without irony.
Final tallies: approx. 4 plots, 3:0 pop:showtunes ratio (ouch), 1 act of unnecessary violence, 2.5 realistic conversations, 1 extremely convincing approximation of high school life, fewer than 100 completely unbelievable things…all in all I’d say this episode comes out on the “win” side. FINALLY.
Rejoice in this episode, Gleeks….because we have to wait two whole weeks for a new episode, in which Gwynnie reappears. Who cares—FREE STAMOS!
Hello again, Gleeks! Sorry for not recapping last week’s second episode—well, actually, I’m only a little bit sorry. I just couldn’t. It was just so…bland. And not even bland-tacular. It’s like they decided to take away the little things that made me love Glee one by one until I’m left watching a hollow shell of the show I once adored and defended. So basically, it’s a lot like season 3-4 of The O.C. except we’re not even done with the second season yet. Oof.
In list form this week, for sanity’s sake:
· Will begins the show by telling us “I actually learned something in my Spanish class today.” This is surprising, because it means that the Spanish classroom still exists, and also not surprising at all, because I’m sure I’d learn something in Spanish class, too, if I was a Spanish teacher who never went to class because I secretly don’t know any Spanish.
· Oh, never mind, Will learned that the “old Will Schuster is back.” Wait, Will Schuster the F’ING HORRIBLE PERSON? Because I’m pretty sure he never left. Aaaand sure enough, here is the Old Will Schuster, jumping at the chance to abandon a classroom full of teenagers for his not-girlfriend. Perfect.
· “Sue-icide.” Please. I have no words for this plot line. Except “completely unbelievable”—and those words only apply to Will’s comment that it’s “weird” that Sue’s apartment is unlocked. No, it’s really not—you guys break into each other’s apartments all the time!
· Sue is depressed because blah blah doesn’t matter she’s joining the glee club. JUST GO WITH IT.
· Quinn Finn Sam Quinn Sam Finn whatever, they’re all horrible people and it doesn’t matter because the only reason it’s happening is so they can sing a tangentially related song, in this case…
· OHMYGOD WHY JUSTIN BIEBER WHY WHY WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS. Okay, well maybe we’ll only have to suffer through one song. …Please?
· Brittany is wearing clothes Sue is throwing a fit Emma is wearing gloves BORED.
· Wait, am I supposed to remember who Aural Intensity is? Because I do not.
· According to Sam, Teh Biebs “sums up our generation”? Sorry, is your generation 12? Because I’m not sure aiming the show at 12 year olds is completely kosher given that this episode will go on to include reference to fake tits, guys getting boners while wrestling a girl, and teenagers bending over and shaking their asses. For real.
· The glee club is very hostile to Sam’s Bieber fever…that is, until they notice Teh Bieb’s publicist standing behind them with a blowtorch and a sign that says “LOVE IT OR DIE, PLEBES.” Suddenly, everyone loses their panties over Sam’s new hairdo and mediocre dance moves.
· Angry Birds vs. Mike Chang’s abs? I know which one I’d choose. Wait…no I don’t. GOD DAMN YOU GREEN PIGS.
· Sue has the brilliant idea to pit Mercedes and Rachel against each other, bored bored, oh wait, could this possibly lead to some real singing? BRING IT. PLEASE.
· God, stuff just keeps happening in this episode doesn’t it? And yet somehow it feels like nothing has happened at all…
· The boys walk in all Bieb’d out, and Mercedes sums up my life with the line “Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?”. In that moment, I realize that what I really want to be watching right now is a show of just Mercedes. Preferably, said show would be a Youtube vlog in which she cuts bitches down to size and sings stuff based on user requests. MAKE IT SO, INTERWEBS.
· There’s another Bieber song that I can’t be bothered to look up the name of, including an expensive professional lighting device (of course) and, um, fistfuls of chalk being thrown into the air (???). Puck is wearing a wig and it makes me want to die.
· It’s official: New Directions has completed the transformation it’s been threatening to do since day 1. Like Natalie Portman becoming the Black Swan, it’s gone down a thorny path of bad decisions and uncontrollable behavior and finally embraced its true nature: indeed, it is now no longer a show choir at all, but a full-fledged Glorified Karaoke Club. It is a dark day for all of us.
· To help Lauren with her stage fright, Puck comes up with the quirky, original suggestion to “imagine the audience in their underwear.” It’s official: this show is being written by Google Scribe.
· Oooh yes diva-off! I completely forgot that was happening in the information-dump of plots in this episode. Seriously, can we count the plots? Sue is depressed, Quinn is an indecisive slut, Sam is Bieber, the boys are in a post-Valentine’s day slump, something about a comeback for Will, Rachel is paying Brittany to wear clothes, Rachel vs. Mercedes diva-off, Lauren wants to sing a song, they need an anthem for regionals, Santana is controlling Sam’s life…aand… I think that’s it. And that’s TEN. TEN (10) PLOTLINES IN ONE EPISODE. I just…can’t.
· But anyway, back to the diva-off! Hooray, I hope they sing good songs! Oh, it’s just one song? Okay, I’ll take what I can get. OHMYGOODNESSYESS it’s a Broadway song? God, I wonder what they’ll sing: Dreamgirls, Chicago, Gypsy, anything by Sondheim, wow the possibilities are—oh…it’s Rent. So…Broadway lite?
· You know what, though? I’ll take it, given the dearth of musical theater lately, PLUS the abominations earlier this episode. And it’s actually totally realistic for baby musical theater nerds to be singing some good ol’ Jonathan Larson.
· Aww, you guys, this diva-off was fun. Why can’t we do this all the time? Oh, right, because Bieber’s publicist is here. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
· Schu wants to know what Sue’s doing tomorrow night. Aww yeahh, here’s the old Will Schuster! Creepy and inappropriate FTW! Bring it on! Everyone on this show is a horrible person, hahahahaha!
· ……..Wait wtf I can’t make fun of him for volunteering in a pediatric cancer ward. Damn it. So let’s sit here silently and awkwardly for a few minutes. [Awkward silence while Sue and Schu sing “This little light of mine” with real life adorable but very ill children.] So…this is nice…
· And we’re back! Brittany is still wearing clothes, or something.
· Guys, let’s just take a step back and examine our lives right now. In ONE EPISODE, we have witnessed: high schoolers losing their shit over Justin Bieber (ever-so-coincidentally right after opening weekend of his big movie!), an awkward bat mitzvah, a crack about someone’s fake tits, a pediatric cancer ward, and whatever the hell you want to call what’s happening right now—i.e., Lauren Zises singing/intoning “I Know What Boys Like”. Because I have no words for it. Puck is playing the guitar in his underwear. Girls are sticking their asses out while wearing short plaid skirts and knee socks. These are all things that are happening. STILL HAPPENING.
· Sorry, after that song my brain broke so I really wasn’t concentrating on the rest of the episode. Santana is saying words, and they might be funny, but there’s also a good chance they don’t make sense.
· Aaand for our big finale, Sue voices the opinion that no one understood this week’s “assignment,” which, as a reminder, was to come up with an “anthem” for “regionals.” And clearly, in order for a song to be appropriate for regionals, you have to have Finn and Rachel on lead vocals, sing for no one in an empty auditorium, and approximate the choreography, wardrobe, and edginess of a Gap commercial. You’d be forgiven for thinking that this means replicating “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Instead, they sing something else bland and officially kill the “plaid” trend forever.
· According to Rachel, “The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their one two punch,” even though Kurt is not allowed to sing so it’s really only one punch, and “Aural Intensity kicked our butts last year.” Wait, how can they have if I really honestly don’t remember who they are or what they sang or WHERE THE HELL THEY’RE HIDING CHARICE AND CHEYENNE JACKSON.
· ………Original music? This is SUCH a bad idea.
· Wait, next week’s episode involves everyone getting drunk and acting inappropriate? That’s funny for two reasons: 1) they always act inappropriate, drunk or not, and 2) what a coincidence, that’s what this week’s episode made me want to do!
Let me make this clear: this episode broke my brain. Every major criticism of the show that non-fans have ever leveled at me came up last night, and for the first time, I honestly did not feel like debunking any of them. I think next week’s episode will make or break it for me, but we’ll see….at least there’ll be a chance of seeing Harry Potter and the Hogwarts Fancy School for Boys again!
“…she wasn’t too familiar with the other Broadway fare around her; she referred to “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark,” the $65 million musical extravaganza a few blocks away, at one point, wonderfully, as “Let the Light Come in From the Dark, Superman.”—NYT interview in which Vanessa Redgrave comes off as lovely and thoughtful and the interviewer comes off as rather nosy and obnoxious.
“I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless, nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple, desperate, human way. You, with all your undumb letters, would never write so elementary a phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn’t even feel it.”
Hello again, Glee fans! Welcome to a whole new year of Gleecaps. Unfortunately, our friends over at Fox studios neglected to provide a whole new year of plots. This means that anyone who’s seen more than one episode of Glee could have written last night’s episode in their sleep. It was basically Glee Mad Libs. As a matter of fact, if you don’t have time to watch the real thing, just auto-play the 30 second samples of the cast album on iTunes and let that play in the background while you play….
GLEECAPS!: MAD LIBS EDITION!
The episode opens in [any location in McKinley High (but probably a hallway)] with [member of Glee] fighting with [member of football team/Cheerios/AV club] because of [arbitrary reason]. This fight is [interrupted/ignored/resolved] by an [adjective] musical number: [Top 40 Hit] performed by the [glee club/Cheerios/any number of Will Schuster’s exes]. It looks like it cost [amount greater than $1,000] to produce and involves lots of [fog machines/professional lighting/FIRE/dirt bikes]. Sue Sylvester is duly [offended/inspired/furious] and threatens to perform [illegal action] to [mentally incapacitated student/blackmailed adult] as a result.
Meanwhile, in the [other location in McKinley High] an arbitrary love triangle heats up between [any 3 students (but probably Finn [seriously, what the fuck is so appealing about that guy?])]. It is only tangentially related to [arbitrary fight from earlier], and will be [forgotten/forgiven/ignored] faster than it takes for [Kurt to transfer schools/Brittany to shoot out of a cannon/Quinn to go into labor and give birth to a child]. A mellow showtune is emoted by [Rachel/Kurt/but actually your only choice is Rachel] because of [angst/lust/no apparent reason].
It’s not embeddable, so you’ll have to go to EW.com to see the video, from next Tuesday’s Valentine’s Day episode.
So at this rate this week’s episodes will have leaked in their entirety by the time they air. Seriously: there have been audio clips of all the songs, pictures of Thriller/Heads Will Roll, videos of the Cheerios and multiple Warblers numbers, and now this. What’s the point in watching the real thing anymore?
“The cocoon of blankets, pillows, duvets, and comfy things you gather around yourself to keep warm whilst spending long amounts of time on the internet.”—“Internest” — Urban Dictionary’s Word of the Day for February 03, 2011 (via loveyourchaos)