I was never much of a fan of the Home Alone movies. In Home Alone 2, I could not for the life of me understand why the asshole little kid complains about going to Miami for Christmas. Like, DUDE. It’s MIAMI. You’re going on VACATION and it’s WARM there. I was, and still am, a-ok with the idea of sacrificing a “real” snowy white (read: fucking freezing) Christmas for a “fake” tropical one. So to you, kid, I have this to say:
All of which is a long way of saying, I’m having a tropical Christmas this year! In honor of upgrading from Maryland to Mexico in a few weeks’ time, here is my somewhat warm-weather-inspired holiday playlist: **
2. Holiday - Vampire Weekend http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vraoiVCDdaM My non-Christmas-song pick for this year’s Christmas mix. Yeah, I know, damn that stupid Honda commercial to hell, but this is the kind of holiday I want to have this Christmas—lots of sun and jumping in the pool. Douchey 18th century costumes optional.
4. I Believe In Santa Claus - Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G87vjDomgLE If you’re judging me right now for my eternal love of Dolly Parton, you can SUCK IT. DOLLY ROCKS, MMKAY? The Dolly & Kenny Christmas album was a staple in my house growing up, and this youtube video’s bizarre image of cowboy Santa pulling a sleigh on a stallion only adds to their charm.
7. Feliz Navidad - Sea of Bees http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SW1RNRTKVsg I’m trying to find a peppy, cute version of this song. Unfortunately, this Sea of Bees version, while solid, is waaay too mellow to be it. Any suggestions?
8. I Wish It Was Christmas Today - Julian Casablancas http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wS-k66MKgs A holdover from last year’s playlist—I can’t help it, I’m obsessed. Mad props to Mr. Casablancas for taking an SNL joke song and turning it into this insanely catchy single.
Glee: I watch so you don’t have to! You know, it’s kind of hard to make fun of this show when it decides to be all, “actually good”, and like, strike a good balance between sentimentality and humor, and stuff. But such is life. —————————————————————————————————-
A Very Glee Christmas, or, How the Grinch Stole A Charlie Brown Christmas Carol on 34th Street: An Attack on Secularism of All Kinds
SCENE 1: The GLEEKS, those adorable ragamuffins, are singing and dancing and decorating a Christmas tree and wrapping Christmas presents! During school hours. As one does.
[Enter SCHU with a pathetically tiny Charlie Brown Christimas tree.]
SCHU: Wow, guys, where did you get all of these Christmasy things? PUCK: Uhh…we stole them all. Isn’t that cute?? SCHU: You mean, you STOLE CHRISTMAS? FINN: No, silly, the Grinch references don’t happen until later in the episode! SANTANA: Plus, when we’re doing it, stealing isn’t wrong, it’s hilarious. SCHU: Okay, whatever. The point is, Christmas is about being thankful, so… PUCK: I thought that was Thanksgiving. SCHU: Nope, too secular. So anyway, we’re going caroling classroom to classroom! TINA: Classrooms with PEOPLE in them?? SCHU: Well of course! We need PEOPLE to donate money, or something! TINA: No, I get that, but I mean, where are you going to find classrooms with people in them? Because no one at this school goes to class. Like ever. RACHEL: It’s true. We’ve been in this room singing for like 3 hours and not one teacher has said anything about it. BRITTANY: And I’m pretty sure I couldn’t actually be a high school student anywhere that expected me to have a higher reading level than Dora the Explorer. SCHU: SWEET BABY JESUS, why do you guys have to make things so difficult for me?? The REAL point is that we need an excuse for you to sing another few songs off of our Christmas album. And also that Brittany still believes in Santa. GLEEKS: Ohh, why didn’t you say so??
[They sing some more things, blah blah blah, Brittany is precious. And SCE—.]
BRITTANY: No no wait! For Christmas I want Santa to make Artie able to walk! ARTIE: Oh…shit.
[And SCENE. Damn it.]
————— SCENE 2: The locker room. Okay, fine, the FESTIVE CHRISTMAS locker room.
ARTIE: …and that’s why we need you to dress up as Santa! BIESTE: Okay, but— SECULAR HOLIDAY POLICE: Wait JUST a minute there, please! You have just exceeded the allowable ratio of Christmas references to Generic Holiday references. Unless you can prove that the rest of the show will be less Christmasy and more inclusive, I’m going to have to place you all under arrest. PRODUCER: Okay, I’m sure we can sort this out. What if we have two Jewish characters? HOLIDAY POPO: Will they be celebrating Hanukkah? PRODUCER: Um…no. But the word “Jew” will be included. And we’ll have some blue trees…that’s kiiinda Jewy. HOLIDAY POPO: Fine. But what about all of the other kinds of people who don’t celebrate Christmas? Can you replace all references to the “Christmas spirit” with more generic references to the “holiday season”? And what about the atheists? Can’t it just be a “winter celebration”? And wait a minute, this is a public high school, why are they allowed to have Christmas trees in the first— PRODUCER: Okay, boys, seize him.
[The SECULAR HOLIDAY POLICE is seized by the football team and stuffed in a locker.]
PRODUCER: Carry on. ARTIE: Uhh…and that’s why you should buy our Christmas album!
————— SCENE 3: The auditorium/WINTER WONDERLAND auditorium.
RACHEL: Finn, as a Jew, I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I’d convert for you. Musically convert, that is. Because Hanukkah songs suck. Please allow me to sing a Christmas song for you. FINN: God, I am so sick of you. No. [He leaves] RACHEL: But I even used my Jew magic to train these fake blue Christmas trees to sing backup for me! Listen!!
[She performs for NO ONE. Well, no one except for the ENCHANTED BLUE TREES, who do an admirable job singing with their invisible mouths.]
————— SCENE 4:The poinsettia-filled, laughably posh fire-lit lounge of HOGWARTS FANCY SCHOOL FOR BOYS. KURT is doing homework, or something. Enter HARRY POTTER.
HARRY POTTER: Hello, Not My Boyfriend. Care to sing a charming duet off of the Glee Christmas Album with me? KURT: Sure, but…wait, why is it dark out? Are we at school at night? Is this actually a boarding school? Are we the only two students? What is this homework doing here—does this mean people actually go to class now? And why is Mr. Schu here?? SCHU: [waves creepily from corner] HARRY POTTER: Enough with the questions! Why can’t you just shut up and appreciate that you’ve been assigned the most secular “winter-themed” song in the whole episode? Now, sit down on this cozy couch with me and sing adorably. KURT: That I can definitely do.
————— SCENE 5: PRINCIPAL SUE THE GRINCH’s office. It is brimming with Christmas gifts, trophies, the scalps of her rivals, etc.
SUE: Welcome, minions! It is now time for the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” portion of the evening to begin. It has vast mainstream appeal and is sure to boost our ratings, because nothing bad has ever happened because of Dr Seuss. SCHU: [coughs] Seussical [coughs] SUE: Hush. So, as expected, I will be playing the role of the Grinch. You know the deal, paint myself green, vandalize property, yadda yadda. EMMA: Wait, did you just dress up poor innocent Down Syndrome Becky as your rein-dog? SUE: Yeah, so? EMMA: Well I mean, it’s cute, and I guess it’s admirable that she’s a recurring character, but is it entirely okay that you’re making her into a terrible person who enjoys stealing things and crushing hopes and dreams with you? SUEL Aaaand now you’re just making me uncomfortable, so let’s skip to the cute part with Cindy Lou Who.
[SUE paints herself green, vandalizes property, yadda yadda. BRITTANY is adorable some more.]
————— SCENE 6: Choir Room of Sadness, Abandonment, and Stolen Christmases.
SCHU: Okay, you guys all know how this works, right? Sue is mean, then we’re sad, then we have Christmas spirit anyway, okay? RACHEL: Where’s the part when I get to sing another song while walking around trees? SCHU: Eh, it’s in there somewhere. Now, you should all practice your cat burglary skills, because we’ve got several houses to break into before the episode’s over. All in the Christmas Spirit, of course! BIESTE: Don’t worry, I’m on it.
[BIESTE, dressed as Santa, breaks into BRITTANY’S HOUSE and IS CHARMING. The next day, everyone returns to the choir room and…]
ARTIE: Hey, y’all, remember that plot line from way back when that we still haven’t wrapped up? FINN: Wait, which one? The one where I can’t stand Rachel? Or the one where Mr. Schu’s spending Christmas alone? ARTIE: No, no, no, the one where Brittany wished for Santa to make me walk! Look!
[ARTIE WALKS, using canes and a crazy robot that attaches to his legs. HEARTS ARE WARMED.]
AUDIENCE: What the…oh my god…WHAT IS THIS WATER LEAKING FROM MY EYES??!? ARTIE: Those are tears, friend. AUDIENCE: But it’s GLEE! I can’t cry during an episode of f’ing GLEE!! Especially one with this many kind-of-lame plot lines that would have sucked in any context besides Christmas. ARTIE: Let it go, man. Accept that I just kicked Tiny Tim’s ass to Victorian London and back again. AUDIENCE: GOD BLESS US, EV’RY ONE.
————— SCENE 7: Schu’s Apartment. A fire pops and crackles in the hearth. A CREATURE lurks in the shadows. Sure enough, it’s…
SCHU: Sue! What are you doing here? SUE: Don’t act so surprised. You did tell everyone to work on their breaking-into-houses skills. Also, it’s the part of the story when the Grinch is reformed now. Merry Christmas, William. SCHU: Wow, Sue, that’s really— SUE: Oh, and I also brought more insults for your hair, lest this part of this episode should get too cheesy. SCHU: That’s…actually perfect. Merry Christmas to you, too, Sue.
————— Next week on Glee…John Stamos escapes from the abandoned storage unit where the producers have locked him, Harry Potter and Kurt face off in the Triwizard Tournament, and Rachel is, improbably, even more irritating than usual. Merry Christmas Happy Holidays, y’all, and remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf!
This week’s script was tragically lost to the world when it slipped in a puddle of grease left behind by Mr. Schu’s hair and fell into a port-a-potty that got rolled off of a cliff, never to be seen again. The Irrational Competition Between Groups Whose Only Common Trait Is Sometimes Singing Things (a.k.a. Sectionals) was canceled. Thus, this week, our heroes were forced to compete in a different “thrilling” competition….
THE VANILLA-OFF: AMERICA’S NEXT TOP DULLARD: BLAND-ING WITH THE STARS with your moderator, Ryan Seacrest
SEACREST: Hello, America, and welcome to THE VANILLA-OFF. I’m your vaguely witty, but mostly just inoffensive host, Ryan Seacrest. THE VANILLA-OFF is a unique, but somehow totally unremarkable show in which our contestants compete to prove to the world that they are the blandest, most vanilla and/or white-bread thing to ever hit television. Tonight, we’re going to battle TO THE DEATH! …ha, just kidding, we’re going to battle to the whoever-falls-asleep-first. Let’s get right to it, shall we?
————— ROUND 1: SONG SELECTION SEACREST: Alright, contestants, step on up to the mic and tell us what form of blandness you have to offer in this round. WARBLERS: Well, we’ve got these super preppy matching jackets. And khakis. And— SEACREST: Whoa, whoa, no need to break out the big guns so early! That is SUPER vanilla! 1,000 points to the Warblers! SCHU: How about an assumption that our song selections and soloists will be essentially the same as last year’s? SEACREST: Great! Plus 500. Keep ‘em coming, guys. EMMA: Yeeeah, I’m gonna go with a suggestion to shake things up…plus a cute new haircut! SANTANA: And I’m gonna play the Intentionally Starting Drama card. SEACREST: Come on, ladies, you know those kinds of things have no place in this competition. Mercedes gets -200 points and Emma, you get -100. It’s not a bigger deduction for Emma only because I notice she’s still dressed like the twee baby of Anthropologie and J. Crew’s Crew Cuts. EMMA: Oh, and incidentally, Carl and I got married in Vegas. SCHU: DAMN YOU STAMOS!! SEACREST: Ok, now you’re just blatantly asking to be disqualified. Tone it down, you two. SO! To sum up this round, it’ll be pretty challenging for anyone to catch up to the Warblers. I’m just not sure it’s possible for them to be any whiter. WARBLERS: Oh, just wait for it…
————— ROUND 2: HIGH SCHOOL STEREOTYPES LIGHTNING ROUND SEACREST: Alright! The goal of this round is to fulfill as many high school stereotypes as possible in the amount of time it takes New Directions to prepare for a major performance, which is to say, TWO MINUTES. GO! FOOTBALL PLAYERS: We’re gonna beat someone up! And it’s going to involve feces! CADBURY EGGS LAUREN: ME FAT GIRL. ME NEED FOOD. CHOOOOCOLATE! PUCK: I’ll play “7 minutes in heaven” because that’s something high schoolers do! KURT AND RACHEL: We’re singing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and that counts double because divas and gays love both musical theater and Madonna! FINN: I cheated on my girlfriend except not really but she was mad and then she forgave me but I broke up with her 10 seconds later because she actually kind of cheated on me—cause y’know, high school couples are like, soo fickle. TINA: I’m a jealous girlfriend! And I’m dressed like a cheerleader. But it’s still goth! Oh my god that’s three stereotypes in a row—wait, I’m sure can do one more— SEACREST: Oooh and our time is up. That was an amazingly successful round, guys. 20 points per stereotype, plus the 25-point Triple Play Bonus for Tina. Cadbury Lauren, the whole “fat girl want food” bit was good, but there was too much chocolate involved to truly qualify for The Vanilla-Off. Minus ten. CADBURY EGGS LAUREN: ME SAD. ME WANT RAISINETTES.
————— ROUND 3: SECTIONALS SEACREST: Okay, America, here it is—the round you’ve been waiting for. The singing portion of the competition gives our contestants the chance to reach new depths of blandness such as the world has not seen since “Donny and Marie,” or that season of American Idol when the dude with the grey hair won. ARE! YOU! READY!
[The audience, which consists chiefly of the other performers and random people off the street, but definitely not any of the kids’ parents, goes wild.]
SEACREST: Let’s do this. Our first group is…the Bunch of Old People! BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE: Sing it loud! Sing it clear! You kiiind of know this song but not really! SEACREST: Wow, I don’t know whether to be impressed, or uncomfortable. I’ve already forgotten what song you sang, so that’s at least +500 on the blandness scale right there, but on the other hand, it’s just so bizarre that you were here in the first place, and that alone is kind of interesting. Also, I don’t know if it’s acceptable to be mean or sarcastic about the elderly. Um…well….Next! WARBLERS: Hey soul sister! Hey hey you’ve heard this song on the radio, stereo, and FUCKING EVERYWHERE YOU GO! SEACREST: Oh…oh my GOD. I can’t believe you guys did it. That was literally THE whitest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Just…the infuriatingly mainstream song choice, the snoozy classic college a cappella triangle clump formation…I don’t see how anyone’s going to beat you in this competition. HARRY POTTER: Well, we were really going for the gold. Or, more in the spirit of this competition, we were going for the unremarkable beige. SEACREST: You certainly were. For that performance, I award you ONE ZILLION POINTS. New Directions, there’s just no way you can be any more vanilla than that. QUINN: Oh yeah? Well what would you say to….Dirty Dancing… SAM: …starring Barbie and Ken?!? NEW DIRECTIONS: I had the time of my life! When we choreographed and rehearsed this in two minutes! Yes I swear, it’s the truth! And we owe it all to Schuuu…. SEACREST: Well, color me impressed. For that display of epic blandess, I award you ONE ZILLION MINUS TEN points. NEW DIRECTIONS: Aww, man! SEACREST: Nice try, kids. If I may offer a helpful hint for next time: get Mike Chang off the stage. Anytime that kid dances it’s at least 50% more interesting.
————— ROUND 4: FINAL JEOPARDY SEACREST: And now for our Final Jeopardy round, a chance to test our contestants’ knowledge of the more advanced dullness-inducing devices. First up: Kurt! Your answer: This completely transparent device explains your current situation somewhat accurately, but not all that interestingly. KURT: What is an overwrought bird metaphor? SEACREST: Correct! 50 points to Gryffindor! KURT: Actually, I don’t go to Hogwarts, my new school is— SEACREST: Hush. Sue! Your answer is, “Sue Sylvester’s complete absence.” SUE: What is the best way to make a dull episode of Glee? SEACREST: Yes ma’am! 30 points to you. Mercedes! This pointless exercise is the best way to end an episode. MERCEDES: What is…uhh…performing a song in front of an empty auditorium? SEACREST: Egg-zackly. Well, that about does it for our show tonight, see you next— RACHEL: Wait, WHAT? Aren’t you going to announce who the winner is? SEACREST: Winner? Okay…let’s see here…Warblers have a zillion points, Gryffindor has 564, and New Directions has negative Q points….I’d say it’s a tie, wouldn’t you? Good night, America! Stay tuned for the world premiere musical, “Brittany Pierce and the Magic Comb,” coming up next on Fox!
—————————— Next week: Brittany is the most adorable Cindy Lou Who since Slutface Jenny from Gossip Girl way back in the day. Also, The Grinch steals Christmas. Thank goodness.