Missed Glee last night? Don’t worry, I watch so you don’t have to!
SCENE 1: KURT is being frog marched down the hallway, a look of pure terror on his face. Who are these bullies making his life so miserable? The camera pans back to reveal his tormentors…HIS DAD and FINN’S MOM. They find FINN standing at the one locker bank in this entire school.
FINN: Mom? Mr. Hummel? What’s going on?
FINN’S MOM: WE’RE HAVING A GLEE WEDDING!!!
KURT’S DAD: Isn’t that so great??
FINN: Yeah, it is, Kurt’s Dad, especially because the last time you and I interacted, you ripped me a new one and kicked me out of your house. Did we ever resolve that?
KURT: Another reason it’s great, Finn’s Mom, is because at the beginning of this season, when my dad was in a coma or something, you never came to visit him in the hospital. Did we ever talk about how you weren’t there for that entire episode?
PARENTS: NOPE. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!!!
[They skip hand-in-hand back into the Land of Neglected Tertiary Characters, where they came from. FINN stares at them, slack-jawed, before fading into the linoleum floor. That’s how boring he is.]
KURT: Well, it looks like I’ve got four days to plan a wedding. Wheeee! Oh, I know, New Directions can be the band! And by band I mean just wedding guests who occasionally get up and sing, while our backup band supplies the real music. God, I’m so good at this!
KAROFSKY: Feeling good about yourself? Not so fast, creampuff!
KURT: Not you again…
KAROFSKY: [STARES AT YOU]
KURT: Stop it!
KAROFFY: [STARES AT YOU]
KURT: STOP IT!!!
KAROVSKY: Fine. But I’m taking your dolls. BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY. [He leaves Kurt crumpled up on the floor.]
SCHU: Kurt? Are you okay?
[KURT whimpers sadly as Mr. Schu escorts him away.]
BAND LEADER PIANO GUY: But what about ME, Mr. Schu?? My poor band and I just got roped into yet another performance with your stupid glee club, which gets all of the credit for *our* amazing musicianship! I can’t just be at your beck and call at all times, even though you keep extending the time period of my indentured servitude, and—
[CAROL BURNETT swings in on a rope, Tarzan-style, lassoing PIANO GUY and dragging him along with her toward the principal’s office.]
SCENE 2: Principal’s office, which has expanded into a multi-room, high-tech, West-Wing-esque complex.
SUE: In the grand tradition of Carrie Bradshaw and some Chinese woman on the internet, I have decided to marry myself.
EVERYONE ELSE: This is somehow totally unsurprising.
CAROL BURNETT: Is there room at the ceremony for your Nazi-hunting mother?? Because she’s here! I mean, I’m here. Me. Your Nazi-hunting mother, back from hunting Nazis!
SUE: I have mommy issues.
EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah, also, unsurprising. Even a little boring.
CAROL BURNETT: Because I’m a bully! Which, coincidentally, is this episode’s ISSUE.
SUE: How timely!
CAROL: What, with the Teen Bullying Issue all over the news lately?
SUE: No, I mean with Thanksgiving coming up and everyone needing to be reminded that the best way to feel horrible about yourself is to go hang out with your family.
CAROL: Whatever. Come on, Suzie, let’s go to the auditorium and sing. I hired this band for us for the next hour!
PIANO GUY: Hired?! There’s a pretty sizable difference between hired and coerced, I should think, and the abominable treatment that—
[CAROL BURNETT yanks the leash she has him on. He yelps.]
CAROL: Shut it, beardy. Okay, showtunes time, let’s go!
[They go to the auditorium and sing some Leonard Bernstein, and it is rather delightful.]
CAROL & SUE: Ohio! Nazis. I love you! Nazis. Ohio! Nazis. We’re charming! Nazis! The end!
SUE: Wait, you hired the band for an hour and all we have is a five-minute song? What are we going to do with the next 55 minutes?
CAROL: I don’t know. Maybe we can argue more about my Nazi-hunting days! Because I was a Nazi hunter, you know. By repeating the phrase “Nazi hunter” over and over again, I’m making it funnier every time, right?
SUE: Nope, it’s still only mildly amusing. Don’t you have anything else to do here?
CAROL: Well, “show up” is about all they wrote into the script for me, so….no.
SUE: We don’t even have a flashback scene?
SUE: Wow, what a waste of a guest star. I guess we can just…uh…wait here, then.
CAROL BURNETT: Sure. [A pause. Crickets. More pausing.] Screw this, wanna hit the bar?
SUE: I thought you’d never ask.
SCENE 3: The choir room, mostly empty. Unclear whether or not this is during school hours.
QUINN: Wait, so do we actually not have homes to go to when school ends? Are we trapped in here forever?? When was the last time I saw sunlight?? WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?
BRITTANY: I just ran into Mary Todd Lincoln in the hallway, so I’m pretty sure that means it’s like, World War II or something.
RACHEL: Irrelevant. Moving on. So, I’m suddenly a caring person, and that means I think we should help Kurt. By getting our football team boyfriends to do…umm…something…to that guy Karkoff. Karkoffsky?
RACHEL: Whatever. So this way we can feel like we did something without actually doing anything at all! God, how sympathetic and cool are we??
QUINN: Yeah Rachel, between you and Mr. Schu, it’s like all of the most selfish, irritating people in this school are getting personality replacements. Now, let’s go get my off-putting, popularity-obsessed boyfriend to do something noble!
[THE GLEE BROS get into a fight with BORIS KARLOFF THE BULLY. It is totally noble.]
TINA: Wow, boys, that was totally noble of you to defend Kurt.
QUINN: Especially you, Sam. You were such a leader.
SANTANA: Yeah, Sam, you have such great leadership qualities.
RACHEL: Unlike my totally lame boyfriend, you’re really cut out to be a leader.
SAM: Okay, why do you guys keep saying that?
FINN: There’s some sub-sub-plot about you wanting to be quarterback again. Don’t worry about it, it’ll probably go away soon.
SAM: Ah, alright.
[KURT enters, trailing PIANO GUY behind him on a leash.]
KURT: Um, excuse me, guys. Thanks for defending me, I guess, but I reserved this empty choir room for dance practice with my dad.
FINN: Oh, of course. Because where else in this entire town would there be a more appropriate place to dance with your parents than a public school classroom?
[Exit GLEEKS. Enter KURT’S DAD.]
KURT: SIT DOWN AND PLAY SOMETHING, MUSIC MAN. [PIANO GUY whimpers, obliges.] And now we dance!
[They dance. KAROVSKY is wandering through the empty school building by himself. Seeing KURT, he decides to be as offensive as possible.]
KURT: Hey, look, Dad, there’s the guy who threatened to kill me.
KURT’S DAD: [throws DOWN.]
SCENE 4: Principal Sue’s office. Assorted Hummels, Karofskys, and Schuesters abound.
SUE: So, I hear Kurt’s being bullied. That is absolutely unacceptable. If there’s one thing Sue Sylvester can’t stand, it’s making people feel bad about themselves. If there’s one thing Sue Sylvester is, it’s a champion of the weak. I love Kurt, so much, in fact, that I’m going to refer to him by an incongruous nickname. That okay with you, Porcelain?
KURT: Is that…are you referring to me? Okay, sure.
SUE: So Karky, why are you such an asshole?
KARLOFFVITCHSKY: I bet Kurt has a crush on me! And other gay things!
HIS FATHER: I have no opinions about this. Except that I’ve just noticed that maybe my son struggles to find appropriate emotional responses to people and situations.
SUE: Doesn’t matter. Intimidating others and making students feel unsafe is never okay under my watch. Karofsky, you are henceforth expelled. And that’s how Sue C’s it.
KURT’S DAD: Wow, this is the best After School Special ever!
KURT: Uhh…Ms. Sylvester, I’m really grateful and all, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how the real Sue “C’s” it at all. What happened to you?
SUE: Astute observation, my effeminate little buddy! I’m not the real Sue Sylvester at all! I’m actually a harmless robot version of her, programmed to give only the most politically correct response in any given situation. The real Sue is probably off somewhere practicing extreme taxidermy or tantric yelling while poking the elderly with hidden pins.
KURT: It’s like all of my dreams are coming true at once!
ROBOT SUE: Too true, my Precious Statuette, too true. Now run along home—I believe you have a wedding to upstage tomorrow.
SCENE 5: The next day. Some church or other with a very wide aisle and top-notch sound system. THE GLEEKS frolic in, singing and dancing and waving rhythmic gymnastics props to the smooth sounds of Bruno Mars.
PRIEST: Sooo…am I allowed to do the wedding part now?
KURT’S DAD: Yeah, but mostly we’re just gonna talk about our kids. Finn’s Mom, I love you a lot and blah blah blah I gotta keep this short because they have more singing to do later.
FINN’S MOM: I love you, too, Kurt’s dad, and I also love your son. I’m so glad to be getting a new son out of this marriage, because let’s face it, my old one is kind of lame. He has the intelligence, emotional and otherwise, of a third grader. He just sits around, watching TV and wearing that stupid vest, and then randomly has an emotional outburst over something dumb every few weeks. I mean, look at the kid. Standing here next to me with his mouth hanging open and that dead look behind his eyes. Creepy as shit.
FINN: Mom, I’m…uh…right here.
FINN’S MOM: It’s okay, sweetie, just hold mommy’s hand. And tell your girlfriend and these other kids I don’t know thanks for being part of the bridal party since I guess I don’t have any grown-up friends.
KURT’S DAD: So that’s great and all, and I’m glad you like Kurt, but can we get married now?
FINN’S MOM: Oh yeah, let’s do this!
SCENE 6: Reception hall. PIANO MAN and his band of indentured servants are chained to the stage. MR. SCHU sings really nicely and actually isn’t creepy at all about it. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle.
KURT’S DAD: Finn, as one of the Best Men, would you like to get up and give a speech now? Can’t have a spotlight on the old folks for too long, you know, it’ll get boring.
FINN: Oh, uh….sure! I learned some words to say! [Takes mic] Okay. So. My mom and Kurt’s dad. Are great together. My mom taught me how to be a man. But other people are also men. Like Kurt. Who I like a lot. And I’m gonna be a leader now. So okay. Whenever there’s a new couple, they get a nickname. Like…Finchel! Puckleberry! Tartie! Biestany! Schuvester! Hufflepuff!
KURT: Wait, what nicknames? Where are these coming from?
FINN: The blogosphere. Duh.
KURT: The what??
FINN: Oh! I mean… [glances nervously at camera] …from the…um…Blogging Spheres. Yep. That’s the name of the McKinley High Varsity Blog Team! They observe all of the important moments of our daily lives and analyze our every move online. They’re actually watching this wedding on closed circuit television right now.
FINN: ANYway. The point is that today, a new couple nickname will be born.
KURT: For our parents, because it’s their wedding?
FINN: No! A nickname just for you and me, Kurt. Yes…it’s….FURT.
[A Pause, large enough for the ghost of Harold Pinter to stroll through.]
KURT: Really? You couldn’t have gone with something that sounds less like “fart”? Like maybe…oh, I don’t know, KINN? Get it? Because we’re kin now?
FINN: Oh, wow, that actually would have been really clever.
FINN’S MOM: See? Mental capacity of a third grader.
FINN: Shut UP mom, this wedding isn’t about you. It’s about Kurt. So now, I am going to sing him a song. Kurt, I will always be your Best Man.
[58th Bruno Mars song of the evening ensues.]
FINN’S MOM: Wow, I think Gwyneth Paltrow must have broken them last week, because now they can only sing fluffy, extremely of-the-moment pop tunes that no one will remember by this time next year.
KURT’S DAD: Yeah, this is pretty much the opposite of the kind of music I seem to be into, but let’s smile and clap anyway as we pretend this is still our wedding. What do you think, Mr. Schu?
KURT’S DAD: Hello? Will Schuster?
SCHU: Oh, sorry, I’m in character rehab this week. All I’m allowed to do is smile and occasionally say comforting things, like “are you okay?” or “don’t worry, it’s really a wig.”
KURT’S DAD: Oh…that is comforting.
SCENE 7: The choir room. Everyone is elated, relaxed, and dare I say…gleeful?
SCHU: Wow, what a great few days we’ve had! We crashed a wedding, we all became caring role models who successfully defended our friend from The Bully, and we learned the valuable lesson that with tolerance and togetherness, sticking up for your friends always works out for the best! And Kurt, now that you’re everyone’s favorite, I think we should give you a solo at sectionals.
KURT: Cut the crap, Mr. Schu.
SCHU: Excuse me?
KURT: So what if you and Rachel and Robot Sue were likable this episode? You were likable but BORING. I tracked down the REAL Sue and she told me that Karofsky’s not getting expelled after all. He appealed to something called the “school board.”
SCHU: What? Are you sure she was telling the truth? How do you know that was the real Sue Sylvester?
KURT: No mere robot could have pulled off that resplendent couture tracksuit wedding dress. So anyway, you can take your halfhearted, too-late solo offer and shove it, because I’m transferring to Hogwarts Fancy School for Boys.
KURT: Sorry, kiddos. My parents are spending their honeymoon money on Fancy School tuition, because they know the only place I’ll be truly safe [turns to camera] is at a school with an absolute zero-tolerance policy when it comes to bullying! [Grins]
[And then the
After School Special episode comes to a screeching halt. No, really, that’s it.]
RACHEL: Can I at least sing a ballad about it? Piano Man and I have been working on something that’s really—