Did you miss Glee last night? Don’t worry—I found a copy of the script and I’m posting it here for your enjoyment!
SCENE 1: Some sort of teachers’ lounge, except no one’s grading papers because no one at this school actually teaches academics.
EMMA: Carl took me to Rocky Horror and it was SO much fun because I’m in a trusting, mature relationship with someone who knows how to make me happy and—
WILL: Ooh, I stopped listening after “Rocky Horror.” So now we’re going to do it as our fall musical that definitely existed before 10 seconds ago!
EMMA:…aand once again, you’ve totally missed the point.
WILL: Can I even be classified as a character anymore? Or am I just a series of random decisions in human form?
SCENE 2: TV studio
SUE: Blah blah FEAR blah blah. I’m totally phoning it in.
MEN IN BLACK: We’re here to give you an excuse to sabotage Glee Club.
SUE: Since when have I needed an excuse?
Jane Sue, we just want to say the word “Emmy” in as many of your scenes as possible. Y’know, to remind everyone.
SUE: Oh, well in that case, LOCAL EMMYS here I come!
SCENE 3: The only classroom in this entire high school
WILL: Okay guys, no time for auditions—we’re gonna cast this musical RIGHT NOW and memorize it by THIS AFTERNOON because we’re performing it TOMORROW.
TECH CREW: Oh hey! Guess we have 24 hours to design, build, and paint a set with a working elevator! No problem.
LEA MICHELE: Well, obviously Finn and I will be the leads.
WILL: And no one else has a problem with this?
LEA MICHELE: It’s in our contracts, Mr. Schu.
WILL: Ah, right. So to sum up, Broadway Baby and Boyfriend will play Janet and Brad, wheelchair boy will play wheelchair man, gay boy will play the transvestite, and all you girls can fight each other for the rest of the five-second solo lines, I don’t really give a shit.
KURT: UHM. Please. Gay does not equal transvestite. Don’t stereotype me.
WILL: But isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? We had you doing Victor/Victoria last week for Christ’s sa—
WILL: Fine. Someone just volunteer for Frank-N-Furter, please, we’re only going to turn this role into a convoluted plot point after the next commercial break anyway.
OTHER ASIAN: Oh! A talk-singing role! I’ll do it!
SCENE 4: The gym
FINN: The emotional point of this episode is that teenage boys can be insecure about their bodies, too.
SAM: I was basically born to play the role of Rocky.
FINN: You see, even though I’m the star quarterback of this school, I still have BODY ISSUES.
SAM: My abs are so firm you can grate cheese on them!
FINN: Yep, I’m really…insecure…and stuff…
SAM: Oops, I’m contractually obligated to be shirtless at least twice more in this episode. [disrobes]
FINN: I give up. This is patently ridiculous. I’m a twenty-eight-year-old man with a perfectly fine six pack that you will see when I walk down the hallway in my underwear about twenty minutes from now.
SCENE 5: A bunch of adults hanging around a high school, because that’s not creepy at all.
SUE: Let me help you, Will. Because if there’s one thing Sue Sylvester loves to do, it’s helping others. Especially you.
WILL: Wait, I can’t remember, are we friends now?
SUE: Probably not.
WILL: Well, in that case…okay!
SCENE 6: Lonely, abandoned Spanish classroom
WILL: Oh, look at this quaint room! It looks like someone might have taught Spanish here long, long ago…[Enter EMMA.] Oh, Emma, there you are—I wanted to tell you that I am just now realizing that Rocky Horror is SUPER age-inappropriate for our cast to perform.
EMMA: How is it age-inappropriate? Aren’t they all like 24?
WILL: Never mind. Basically, I want to make this show more appropriate by having *adults* perform the most sexually suggestive parts along with the high schoolers.
EMMA: Because your “Toxic” performance two weeks ago wasn’t enough to shatter any illusions anyone may be clinging to about your moral fitness to be a high school teacher?
EMMA: Oh, that totally makes sense. So I should probably…uhh…let you trick me into giving you a lap dance now? Right?
[She TOUCHA TOUCHES him. It is UNCOMFORTABLE.]
SCENE 7: Rehearsal. Auditorium. Totally finished set.
TECHIE: Wow, guys, great job finishing this set in less than 24 hours! All I have to do is put the laaaast block in this wall…aaand….
[STAMOS crashes through the wall on a motorcycle made of FIRE, crushing the TECHIE.]
OTHER ASIAN: Ooh, by the way, I can’t play Frank-N-Furter anymore. My
agent parents won’t let me.
MERCEDES: No problem! I’ll do it. I’ve always wanted a lead role…plus, I’m really going to
oversing it make it modern.
WILL: Okay, dress rehearsal, GO!
MERCEDES: I’m just a sweet transvestite! From traaaaaaaansex—
FOX EXECS: Whoa whoa whoa! You can’t say that on TV! Try “sensational” Transylvania instead.
MERCEDES: Um, let me get this straight—I can say “transvestite” but I can’t say “transsexual”?
FOX EXECS: Exactly. CONTINUE.
ENTIRE CAST: [Riffs. Belts. Riffs some more.]
KURT: Am I seriously the only one who understands the style of this musical? It’s called TALK-SINGING, guys! You know, like the opposite of autotuned riffs?
EVERYONE ELSE: Uhhh….nope.
WILL: Alright, kiddos, I’ve realized that this was an inappropriate experiment and we’re not actually going to perform the show…
[TECHIES keel over with frustration and exhaustion.]
WILL:…for an audience! We’re going to perform it for ourselves! [Turns to camera.] …and several million of our closest friends out there. Wink. Hello, America!
[Cue TIME WARP. And scene.]